Urinal Etiquette...

As many of you already know, I've been taking classes at our local community college and have just finished up another semester. During that time I had a class called Compostion II, and was able to write quite a bit as you'd imagine.

Long story short, it was brought to my attention that I can be quite funny and was asked to post my last essay for that class. It was to be a humorous essay. (Just my kind!) I've posted it below, please comment to let me know what you think. Enjoy! -H3

Comp II Humorous Essay: “So It's Your First Trip to the Urinal?” A Young Man's Guide to Urinal Etiquette.

Thesis: How to safely navigate the use of a public urinal without making any wanted acquaintances or embarrassing yourself, while also maintaining cleanliness.

Audience: Preteen males who haven’t been coached in the finer aspects of urinal etiquette.

There is nothing more aggravating then having your personal space at the urinal invaded. This would be a situation where you are in a compromising position by being exposed, trying to concentrate, and just needing some "alone" time to take care of the extremely personal business of peeing in a public restroom. The last thing you need is someone right next to you wanting to talk about the weather, how your day was, or how cold the water is. Such a situation would require an emergency crash course in Urinal Etiquette.

Now, imagine you are visiting your local shopping center when nature calls. You immediately head towards the public restroom where the plumbers have conveniently installed a row of four urinals. How would you know which stall to use? Sure, you'd like to pick the one that appears the cleanest, but the simple fact is that there's likely a wad of gum in every one; not to mention other disgusting artifacts of past visitors.

As gross as that is, let's move on... Etiquette suggests that you should pick one on either end... never the middle. The middle is only to be used as a last choice if both the ends have been spoken for. The goal here is to have maximum distance between the users, strictly a privacy matter. The last thing we’re looking for while visiting a urinal is meaningful conversation. Keep your eye on the prize and go about your business, and get out of there.

Okay, now that we’ve selected our urinal, let’s go about the act of relieving ourselves. Step up to the porcelain pail of relief, but not too close; remember, it’s a disgusting stew of unmentionable liquids that you most certainly wouldn’t want to carry around with you on the front of your jeans all day. Now, unzip… (You should be able to go through the next few motions without this authors prompting). Keep your eyes forward, no sense in admiring your equipment and besides, you should already know what it looks like. Staring will make the other fellas either jealous or just plain uncomfortable. Under no circumstances are you to make contact with anyone else in the room with you, eye contact included. We’re not here to make friends. Also, this isn’t a competition; there are no bathroom attendants waiting in the wings to bestow an award to the man with the strongest stream or longest consistent trickle. Those little pink disk shaped objects at the bottom aren’t breath mints, so leave them alone. They are there to aim at, and provide a nice fresh scent. Usually.

By now you should be finishing up. Remember what your grandfather always said; “shake more than twice, and you’re playing with it.” Do what needs to be done, but be inconspicuous, and quick. You do not want other patrons wondering about what your intentions are while you’re dilly-dallowing at the urinal, trying to get yourself put back together.

Then decide on the most direct route to the sink without crossing any other customer’s path. No eye contact or smiling like you just finished a quarter mile sprint. Remember that there are other less fortunate souls out there with, shall we say, “flow challenges”. One must not gloat; after all, this could be you in 20 years.

Proceed with cleansing your hands, not forgetting to pay attention to your wrists and fingernails. Singing quietly to yourself the “happy birthday song” twice, will be enough time to sufficiently cleanse your hands of any unwanted splatter. Using the supplied electric hand dryers or paper towels, dry your hands thoroughly, and then use said paper towel to open the door and exit the restroom. Do not use your bare hands to open the door. You just spent 2 bars of “Happy Birthday” to get them squeaky clean, and a filthy door knob would most certainly re-soil them.

Congratulations! You have successfully navigated your way through the public restroom. You have chosen and used a urinal without embarrassing yourself or drawing any unwanted attention, you have managed to clean yourself up and now you’re back to your business at hand. May this experience go with you as you journey through the rest of your days; Remember to choose wisely, do not make any unnecessary friends, guard against unwanted splatter, and wash your hands thoroughly. As a Master of Urinal Etiquette, you have managed to stay safe, clean, germ free, and most of all; relieved.